115. What Are “Vanity” Relationships?

Vanity relationships are kind of something I made up, but they are essentially inauthentic and egotistical relationships. But it goes a little bit deeper.

In essence, we are often going around attracting people who provide us with a “need” of some sort. Now, I want to call out that this isn’t necessarily or inherently bad. But the point of difference is having needs in a relationship vs. bringing someone into your life, which solves a need, which you really should be providing yourself. Often, these are sort of overarching things, but they can, of course, be things like money, as well. Perhaps you’re even trying to find someone who fits a stereotype or a made-up “ideal” in your head. Again, not a terrible thing to have these wants, but it’s really about separating only having this person provide you a facade of love, vs. love itself.

The issue with these relationships is that this is the undercurrent… for the entire relationship. And it’s typically not something which is either authentic to them, or a strong basis for their energetic signature or personality. Or all around just “them”. It’s something that is essentially superficial, which will likely go away at some point in time. And this is where it becomes a problem. These relationships are almost always doomed to fail because it’s practically impossible for the other person to keep up or maintain whatever the other person is looking for. Whatever they want, demand, or need is. It’s just not something that can be sustained for a long period of time, because it’s not natural or authentic to them.

It’s likely that many arguments and issues will revolve around this superficial need, making the strain on the relationship worse, as both partners may not feel heard, and one will certainly feel that the other does not authentically like them. Or they will feel that something happened or something is wrong, and there may just be a great deal of insecurity all around.

So why do people get into these relationships when they aren’t the one after the superficial want or need? It’s likely that they have been wearing a mask or are portraying this superficiality as a way to make up for their insecurities in general. This could be money, flashy cars, or perhaps a fake “persona” altogether. It could be their job, their circle of friends, etc. Really, anything that isn’t authentic to them if they were in a room alone with nothing. Who would this person be, without that?

It’s a good rule of thumb when you’re looking for a potential partner. Do you like them with their positive “baggage”? Or just them, authentically? Sometimes it can be hard to get to know someone authentically when they portray themselves to be one way, but really are another. My best advice is to simply find someone who feels “right, and who is consistent. This is really the best test. And be sure not to seek people out for these vanity-related purposes. While it may seem temporarily fulfilling, it certainly isn’t for the long-term. After all, our wants and needs tend to change drastically as time goes on.

I’m not saying that everyone in a bad relationship got into it out of non-loving purposes, but I do think it’s helpful to keep this in mind and look through things through this lens moving forward. Good luck out there :)